I really like that quote but it is so much harder for me to do. I tend to forgive others so much quicker than I do myself, I seem to think that I made such a mess of things with my actions, (or lack of action) words that have been said (or not said) that I find it only fair that I carry guilt of what I did. Why should I extend grace to myself?
Along with forgiving my (ex-)husband I needed to forgive myself for the part that I played. To let go of the if only, why didn’t I and how could you. Those are the bitter pills for me to swallow. It is easier for me to accept and carry the guilt and shame than to release it and give it to God. To leave all of that baggage at the foot of the cross where its suppose to stay but I somehow manage to make a hike up to old Calvary to collect what I feel is mine to keep.
The baggage can be a comfort. It can give a false sense of security. That blanket of shame has been with me to long I feel incomplete with out it.
The sad fact is that living that way is what keeps me and any one else behaving in the state of I deserve less so accepting less is fine with us. We end up not living our full lives and really living.
I love hiking but making that trip back to Calvary to collect what I was never meant to have only takes my energy. It is telling Jesus that what he did was great for everyone else but I am the exception to the rule of forgiveness. How it must break His heart when we decrease the value of what He did on the cross. We cheapen the act of His death and resurrection.
To accept that we are worthy of forgiving ourselves, learning and moving on and actually living loved is the best way we can say thank you to God for what he has given us.
When I am starting to make that hike I reach for Psalm 103 then I feel I deserve to just accept, not over think but to give grace to myself because “it’s forgiveness”.
1 Praise the LORD, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 2 Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— 3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, 4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, 5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. 6 The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. 7 He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: 8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. 9 He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; 10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. 11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; 12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. 13 As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; 14 for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. 15 The life of mortals is like grass, they flourish like a flower of the field; 16 the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. 17 But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children— 18 with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. 19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all. 20 Praise the LORD, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word. 21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will. 22 Praise the LORD, all his works everywhere in his dominion. Praise the LORD, my soul.
